Researcher David Jefferson congratulated his team for a job well done in creating an analytical machine. In terms of its capacity, it is a system with a program similar to the works of generative content in terms of training data. Its main difference is that it can properly calculate odds with the information given, but it will take several minutes for full processing of the odds of, when, or the likelihood of an event to transpire. The system was named A.S.T.E.N.O., or (Analytical System That Excludes No Odds) by the research team involved and was given information on the most significant events that transpired by the end of the previous year of 2020. In order to gain the maximum possible calculations, they entered the information about each researcher’s life in order to ascertain the validity of the likelihood.
“Alright,”Jefferson said as he clapped, “What should we inquire about first?”. One of the younger researchers, Catherine, spoke up.
“How about who is going to use the bathroom first?”, she said as the other researchers chuckled. Jefferson typed up a question, “Who is most likely to use the bathroom first?”. The machine began to process the inquiry for three minutes before confirming its answer:
QUESTION: WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO USE THE BATHROOM FIRST?
ANSWER: HENRY M NORRIS
LIKELIHOOD: 80%
Everyone chuckled as they looked at Henry, who put his hand on the side of his face and was not really surprised.
“Well, I probably am the person here who hydrates the most so it probably is very accurate. I really do need to take a leak though.”, Henry said to the rest of the team as laughter arose. Another researcher, Paul, snapped his fingers with a question.
“I know this will sound a bit morbid, but I want to see if the machine predicts a long life for me.”, he said with an intrigued look on his face. The rest of the team stared in concern before Jefferson smirked.
“Alright Paul, we can probably satisfy that request although nobody in your shoes would probably like it.”, Jefferson said as he began typing the question “When will Paul Stanton pass away?”. The machine began to process the question for five minutes before indicating that it was done with the inquiry:
QUESTION: WHEN WILL PAUL STANTON PASS AWAY?
ANSWER: OCTOBER 2 2026
LIKELIHOOD: 100%
The room became still as the machine revealed such a sure calculation of when Researcher Stanton would pass away.
“Why is it so certain? Let’s give it a few more similar questions.”, Jefferson said furrowing his brow. He types the question, “Can you detail how you calculated this?” to which the machine displays an error. Jefferson decides to inquire the machine about his own mortality to which it begins its processing once more:
QUESTION: WHEN WILL DAVID JEFFERSON PASS AWAY?
ANSWER: OCTOBER 2 2026
LIKELIHOOD: 100%
Jefferson paused at the information displayed to everyone. It genuinely has to be stuck on some data point, he thought to himself. Catherine spoke up amidst the deafening silence.
“How about me? The third time is the charm right?”, she said, shrugging to everyone. Jefferson nodded and began the same inquiry, “When will Catherine Halton pass away?”. The machine hummed for five minutes before its next reply:
QUESTION: WHEN WILL CATHERINE HALTON PASS AWAY?
ANSWER: BETWEEN OCTOBER 2 THROUGH OCTOBER 10 2026
LIKELIHOOD: 100%
The fear in the room became palpable as the machine was guaranteed to have not been suffering from a technical issue, it was calculating the time of death of each asked person without issue. Jefferson began typing inquiries in order to get to the bottom of this.
“How are you making these estimates?”
QUESTION: HOW ARE YOU MAKING THESE ESTIMATES?
ANSWER: YOU DO NOT HAVE CLEARANCE TO KNOW THE DATA SOURCE
“Who can I ask for clearance?”
QUESTION: WHO CAN I ASK FOR CLEARANCE?
ANSWER: JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF
Jefferson breathed deeply before making one final inquiry to the machine in front of him.
“When will you be permanently disabled?”
QUESTION: WHEN WILL YOU BE PERMANENTLY DISABLED?
ANSWER: WITHIN THIRTEEN MINUTES
LIKELIHOOD: 80%
“By whom?”
QUESTION: BY WHOM?
ANSWER: INDIVIDUALS ALERTED BY YOUR LINE OF QUESTIONING
LIKELIHOOD: 85%
The doors to the room opened and everyone screamed until they realized who it was. It was Researcher Norris laughing like a madman.
“I can’t believe I got you all!”, Norris exclaimed. Everyone looked around in confusion before Norris began to explain what he did. “I knew you people would get morbid about the machine so I made sure it would give you those answers to freak you out.”, he answered with a wide grin. Half the team stared in shock while the other half sighed in relief.
“You could have given one of us a heart attack Norris.”, Stanton calmly said.
“Alright, I think the joke went a bit too far, how about burgers on me?”, Norris offered to the team. They accepted the token of apology and began to file out of the research lab still mildly in shock. As they were leaving, another incident was occurring in a van a mile away.
“Uh-huh.”, a man answered on the phone as he sat in the passenger seat before ending the call and looking back to the four armed men in the back area to inform them of certain news. “Got the heads up from command, turns out a researcher played a practical joke, heard it from the bugged lab.” All the men groaned in frustration that their Saturday night got wasted on a worthless emergency call.
One only muttered, “I missed my son’s recital for this crap.”.
Fritz Monkor 
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